Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
