Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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