i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I didn't notice because vodka
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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