a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
