she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
