i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need a beard to bite.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
