Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
