I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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