i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
