any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
