The maid of honor just puked.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
