i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize