Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
