I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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