there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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