I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
