A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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