I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
