Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
