At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
