I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize