His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
