Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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