Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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