Your face is a jimmy john
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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