You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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