I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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