This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he just fucked me for my cheese..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
