i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
