tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
