I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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