Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
