Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
