Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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