Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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