70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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