I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
