there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
