I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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