Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
