Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
