my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
