how can u be prego again
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
