awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm like, not good at living.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
