Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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