I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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