I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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