I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
