I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
