My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
