How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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