I got chris browned last night
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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