....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Randomize
