also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
