What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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