I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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