Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
