So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
