Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
