Umm I'm too high to move.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
